153: Sleaze and Dank You!

3 decades old
and for every marriage and birth
i am reminded by obviously well-meaning people
that i am still behind;
that my value is depleting
  with my sagging skin
  with the layers of my chin
  with the lines around my grin
  with my shape being far from thin
  as my breasts reach my shin
  as my wrinkles keep on growing
  and endless other things
i should apparently be fussing about.

after all,
travelling solo
  and buying your own car
  and living in foreign lands
  and collecting awards and degrees
  and having contacts all over the world
  and working your ass of to pay off your loans
  and struggling against all kinds of inner demons
  and still breathing somehow
    are not achievements for women to be proud about
      when nobody wants you.

(haven't you heard, doll?
the age of your womb matters more
than the maturity of your brain.)

some friends say they miss their innocence when they were younger
but i am thankful of my decreasing ignorance
as i acquire firsthand pains and secondhand lessons
while bearing witness to my messups and glowups
that no one else had the privillege to observe,
and yet, i am still told
that my eyes are too cold;
that my 'resting bitch face' will only scare people away
but isn’t it an oxymoron?
because bitches are babes in total control of herself
and you can't be you're in charge if you're 'resting'

but at the end of the day, let's be real:
being unfazed while returning men's gaze isn't just a phase
it's a stance and a form of resistance
because masculinity is so damn fragile
so stop telling me to fucking smile.


2018-12-03 8.49pm

152: thoughts and players

1.
my thirsty lips
brushing against
your lazy smile,

2.
whispering sweet nothings
while running the tip of my tongue
along the ridge of your ears,
slowly nibbling each lobe
as you silently beg
for more,

3.
your sweetsalty skin
and heavy scent
as i leave a trail
of sloppy kisses
down the side
of your neck,

4.
your collarbones
grazed
red
moist,

5.
drawing circles
on your chest
and blowing on each peak
as you quiver under me
ever so slightly,

6.
my hands
twirling your curls
cupping your cheeks
squeezing your shoulders
holding you
down,

7.
your heartbeats
and the constant cycles of
sighs and gasps
as we dip in and out
of blissful insanity,

8.
breathing you in
and kissing your temples
as your trembling pillars stabilise
leaving my throbbing altar
witness my spiritual supplication
through closed eyes
and needy moans,

9.
watching you
rise and fall
as you drift off into another world
leaving me
for the nth time
undone,

10.
knowing
that i can finally breathe easy
now that you
are no longer
in my prayers.

2019-04-12 5.38pm

151: Qu Penat

They say,
'Beauty is in the eye of the beholder'
but

I’m constantly reminded
that those who are darker 

are still made to remain in the shadows,

that some browns are more beautiful than others.

I’m getting tired of all this obsessing
over mothers not trying

to ensure their embryos are whitened
by bingeing on soy rather than caffeine.

I’m tired of capitalists mindfucking
those who are already struggling
over our worths as a human beings
still very much determined
by the shades we were born in.

I’m tired of celebrities promoting
lead in what we’re wearing
and mercury in what we’re swallowing
and that we keep paying

them to kill us from within.

I keep on wondering
when we’ll finally be accepting

regardless of the color of our skin

and when we'll see that melanin 

is a gift, rather than keep scrubbing
it off like a curse for existing.


2018-02-16 7.29pm