💜💜💜122: In a house with lacey white curtains

In our house with lacey white curtains
and a living room with flowers
- fresh, frail, framed, or fake -
laces and florals were expected
to be displayed at all times
in appearance, and in character.

In our house with lacey white curtains,
girls are to play with fashionistas, not action figures;
as if skirts and shields are mutually exclusive,
as if Barbies and Batmans aren't just dolls
with different styles and accessories.

In our house with lacey white curtains,
my ability to walk face forward in heels
with a dictionary on my head is more important than facing a heel
head on in a combat.

In our house with lacey white curtains,
my womb is reason enough to carry a life
but not to determine my own.

In my house with lacey white curtains,
I am not made of lace and flowers.
And my womb is my internal tomb.


2021-03-26 8.11pm



In our house with lacey white curtains
and a living room with flowers
- fresh, frail, framed, or fake -
laces and florals were expected
to be displayed at all times
in appearance, and in character.

In our house with lacey white curtains,
girls are to play with Barbies, not Batman;
as if skirts and shields are mutually exclusive,
as if Barbies and Batmans aren't just dolls
with different styles and accessories.

In our house with lacey white curtains,
my ability to walk face forward in heels
with a dictionary on my headis more important than facing a heel
head on in a combat.

In our house with lacey white curtains,
my womb is reason enough to carry a life
but not to determine my own.

In my house with lacey white curtains,
I am not made of lace and flowers.
And my womb is my internal tomb.


2017-09-16 7.11pm

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In a house with lacey white curtains
and a living room with flowers
- fresh, frail, framed, or fake -
laces and flowers were expected
to be displayed at all times
in appearance, and in character.

In a house with lacey white curtains,
girls are to play with Barbie, not Batman;
as if skirts and shields are mutually exclusive,
as if Barbies and Batmans aren't just dolls
with different styles and accessories.

In a house with lacey white curtains,
my ability to walk face forward in heels
with a dictionary on my head
is more important than facing a heel
head on in a combat.

In a house with lacey white curtains,
my womb is reason enough to carry a life
but not to determine my own.

In a house with lacey white curtains,
I am not made of laces and flowers.
And my womb is my internal tomb.

2017-04-01, 12.18pm

(during Baraka Blue workshop at Rumah Khizanat)
posted from Bloggeroid

121: good night, bad knight

not the first time i've fallen
but my final time trying
my lungs have been swelling
from all the deep diving
into your bottomless eyes
that i've been drowning in before
and your remorseless sighs
impatience i somehow adored

i've slammed all doors: front, back, trap, closet
done and dusted, once and for all, closed it
after all the leeways given, i'm now signing out
by the thought of two and half years of your pout
that you're with me, a gasbag with all its air out

what the hell are you on
and what you going on about
that the only things you doubt
is your emotional blackout
and the lies i've sniffed out?

lying down, lying back,
doesn't matter how you're reclining
you need a spine to decline
from the truth you're denying
i feel for the next person listening
to the things you'll be recycling
if they're buying what you're selling
the 'tortured soul' you're advertising

the bubble will burst for them too,
unfortunately for you;
there's no way you'll last long
you're no knight in shining armor
you imagined yourself as all along.

z
2016-11-30

120: Testing 1, 2, 3

Yay or nay?
Together or away?
Temporary or stay?

Because
Time keeps ticking
Sighs keep building
Heads keep turning
Hearts keep cracking
but you
in your own expansive expensive expressive world
You exist persist resist at your own pace with a nonchalant face in your suspended space
Where people need to climb into your head in order to earn the ability to breathe your atmosphere and
Where people need to follow the wobbly tracks of your train of thoughts that may or may not lead to somewhere and

You think you can twist and move around the limbs of people you hold dear to you
Put voices into your subjects
As you become the puppetmaster as well as the audience
For your own amusement
At our pitiful expense

This however simply won't do.

I will snip the strings you have tied to my hands and legs
I will close my ears and heart from believing the uncertain untruths resonating from your vocal chords
I will bleach away your smiles and laughs and the times you made me do both

Because all i am is another test subject of a potential F+ experiment
And i have too much to lose
And i have a lot more to gain
And i will no longer want you to be by my side
I will no longer want you

This isn't about running away.

This is about knowing there's no more reason to stay.

And that's okay.



2016-09-27
posted from Bloggeroid