150: Sayang

she calls me Sayang
as her love straightjackets me
while the padded walls absorb my screams
and my streams and my dreams
and it seems that she thinks she’s trying
to save me by tugging me tightly
but i’m no barbie in abaya,
nothing but a black sheep in wire
who'd rather crossfire than conspire,
wearing social justice warrior
as a badge of honor.
.
dia panggil aku Sayang,
dan aku dihidupkan untuk menjadi bonekanya yang
solek-selokanya bak bidadari tanpa bayang-bayang.
tapi sayang, suaraku tak semerdu dayang
rambut tak lebat berikal mayang
lidah tak sehalus tali lelayang
tubuhku tak seramping tiang
senyumku tak semanis angan-angan siang.
.
dia panggil aku Sayang,
tapi diriku dah penat ditayang.
sendiku sakit dihuyung-hayang,
diheret, disentak rentak si juru wayang.
yet even after decades of resistance
i am still struggling to keep a distance
between her scripts for me and my own reality.
.
she calls me Sayang,
and sometimes i wonder
if the word has lost its meaning
because the more she talks to me
the more redundant she makes me feel.
.
she calls me Sayang,
so the saying "marah maknanya sayang"
is really just gaslighting,
isn't it?


2019-04-12 7.20pm
2018-01-30 3.06pm



she calls me Sayang,
but her love straightjackets me
as the padded walls absorb my screams
and my streams and my dreams
and it seems that she thinks she’s trying
to save me by tugging me tightly
but i’m a black sheep in wire
i’m no barbie in abaya
i’d rather crossfire than conspire
and wear social justice warrior
as a badge of honor.
.
dia panggil aku Sayang,
dan baginya, aku boneka bidadari yang
dihidupkan untuk menjadi bayang-bayang.
tapi suaraku tak semerdu dayang.
rambutku tak lebat berikal mayang.
lidah tak sehalus tali lelayang,
tubuhku tak seramping tiang,
senyumanku tak semanis angan-angan siang.
.
she calls me Sayang,
but sometimes i’m thinking
if the word has lost its meaning
because the more she talks to me
the more redundant she makes me feel.
.
dia panggil aku Sayang,
tapi diriku dah penat ditayang.
sendiku sakit dihuyung-hayang,
diheret, disentak rentak si juru wayang.
.
she calls me Sayang,
and after decades of resistance
i’ve learnt to put a distance
between her visions of me and how I want to be
by panelling up the windows for my own sanity.
.
she calls me Sayang,
but the saying
"marah maksudnya sayang"
is really just gaslighting,
isn't it?


2018-03-23 11.22am

she calls me Sayang,
but her love straightjackets me
as the padded walls absorb my screams
and my streams and my dreams
and it seems that she thinks she’s trying
to save me by tugging me tightly
but i’m a black sheep in wire
i’m no barbie in abaya
i’d rather crossfire than conspire;
have social justice warrior
worn as a badge of honor
.
dia panggil aku Sayang,
dan baginya, aku boneka bidadari yang
dihidupkan untuk menjadi bayang-bayang.
tapi suaraku tak semerdu dayang.
rambutku tak lebat berikal mayang.
lidah tak sehalus tali lelayang,
tubuhku taklah seramping tiang,
senyumanku tak semanis angan-angan siang.
.
she calls me Sayang,
but sometimes i’m thinking
if the word has lost its meaning
because the more she talks to me
the more redundant she makes me feel.
.
dia panggil aku Sayang,
tapi diriku dah penat ditayang.
sendiku sakit dihuyung-hayang,
diheret, disentak rentak si juru wayang.
.
she calls me Sayang,
and after decades of resistance
i’ve learnt to put a distance
between her visions of me and how I want to be
by panelling up the windows for my own sanity.
.
she calls me Sayang,
but the saying
"marah maksudnya sayang"
is really just gaslighting,
isn't it?

2018-03-23 10.28am


She calls me Sayang,
yet she keeps conveniently forgetting that
I am not made for bubbly, bright things
I am not made of pales and pastels or gold and glitter
and I sure as hell am not made with sugar, spice, and everything nice.

She calls me Sayang,
but after years of restless resistance,
I can now finally weave my feelings into words
whenever she's trying
and she has been trying
to make me become
more feminine and refined
more doll-like and divine
more idyllic and inclined
as she doesn’t even try to mask her disappointment
that I’ll never be enough for her.

She calls me Sayang,
but her ‘sayang’ is a noun rather than a verb
which makes me wonder if all this while
all she wants me to be
is her ‘bayang'.

Tapi sayang.
Bayang-bayang
itu hanya angan-angan siang
rambutku bukan bak dayang
-- lembut, lebat, ikal mayang;
tubuhku tidak seramping tiang
lidahku tidak sehalus tali lelayang
senyum tak semanis malaikat yang
membawa berita indah, riang.

She calls me Sayang,
tapi diriku dah penat ditayang.
sendiku sudah sakit dihuyung-hayang
asyik mengikut rentak si juru wayang.

She calls me Sayang,
but the saying
"marah maksudnya sayang"
is really just emotional blackmailing,
isn't it?

2018-01-30 4.13pm

---


drafts:



She calls me Sayang.


When she came back from the country of long clouds,
she placed on my bed a couple of gifts:
a dusty-gray cardigan a few sizes too small
and a flowy floor-length vest with faint florals.
She told me she hopes I like them.
But I know she knows that I wouldn’t.

She calls me Sayang.

She calls me sayang.

And when she finally came back from the country of the long clouds ,
she said she placed on my bed a couple of gifts:
a dusty-gray cardigan a few sizes too small
and a flowy floor-length vest with faint florals.

She told me she hopes I like them.

But I know she knows that I wouldn’t.

She calls me sayang,
yet she always somehow conveniently forgets that
I am not made for bubbly, bright things
I am not made of pales and pastels and gold and glitter
and I sure as hell am not made using sugar, spice, and everything nice.

She calls me sayang,
but after years of meek resistance, I can now finally put into words my feelings towards
her persistent attempts to make me
more technicolor and tender
more feminine and refined
more delicate and doll-like
as she doesn’t even try to mask her disappointment
that I’ll never be enough for her.

She calls me sayang,
but her using ‘sayang’ as a noun rather than the a verb
implies that the only thing she expects out of me 
is to be a ‘dayang’
is to be her ‘bayang’
biarpun semua itu tayang
angan-angan di hari siang
wanita kenalah berambut yang
lembut, lebat, kemas, dan ikal mayang;
tuturkatanya sehalus tali layang-layang
serupa malaikat yang membawa berita riang
bukan seseorang yang terhuyung-hayang
like me.

She calls me sayang,
but let’s be real: 
this is not tough love.

This is emotional blackmailing.


2018-01-30 3.06pm