157: Life, less (draft)

Hang on, i hear them say
as i lie on my own puddle of thoughtvomit,
eyes deadstraight
cheek kissing the ground
wiry weary locks swirling around,
flattened by the gravity of nothing.

At this moment, I am unmoving, unlike the world.
Unmoved, unlike myself.

Overwhelmed by senses of nonsensical proportions
in thought and from touch (always too little or too much);
for being blue yet well-burnt
for being infected yet disaffected,
I wish these unwanted emotions would stop mutating.
I am getting too old to see my reflection
post self-contamination and exposure to dangerous fumes of my own virtual reality,
constantly questioning my own sanity when illusions can be truth in its own concealed crumpled convoluted way.

Perhaps this attraction to hypothetical flames
is a way to douse my own nightmares of having been burnt one too many times.

Floating around in circles or among them
Up down left right everywhere nowhere
in a daze
in a maze
it's all a haze at this point
against the backdrop of wonder and wakeful gratefulness
paved with mysterious tracks of apparent randomness.

Or maybe these are merely excuses.
Because I do find peace sometimes.

But just as tears from the past turn into scabs and scars and signs of having lived, the too-familiar cloaks of safety and in denial compresses who and what we are, and the invaluable invisible packets of what's left of life's lessons of what we learn of what we are and should become; that we know we aren't or shouldn't be, are lasered onto my headspace
From snottynosed days where nothing is left untouched
To flushed cheeks where my heart is more than parched

So I heave my body up from the gravel
wheezing dirt and scraping my fists as my voice finally breaks
-- Save me.

One day you will be free
Hold on grab on come on get up
Youcandothis
wash your grimy mask
and plaster on a grin

Fake it till you make it, as they say
Keep swimming in salty tears
Embrace the pouring rain
and rest assured that one day you will be free

but for now
Hang on.

2018-10-17

- originally from 2017-09-04

141: stub-burn

healing
begins
when the stub-
born
T
H
O
R
N
is finally out of the wound

ori: 2017-06-06 10.17pm
edited: 2017-07-21 8.21pm

74: Moga Bisa

seorang

yang biasa

tapi luar biasa 

kerana bisa

melangkau jauh bila mengadap gaung

melompat tinggi biar di jambatan tali

berazam besar untuk dijadikan realiti

yang bisa

melawan arus di aliran yang deras

tersungkur jatuh terus bangun kembali

meminta maaf sekiranya menyakiti,

yang

mukanya tidak masam

lidahnya tidak menghirisi

tangannya tidak berduri, 

yang bisa

belajar 

dari kebaikan

dan kesilapan

dari kesenangan

dan kesusahan,

yang bisa

menasihat

dan merawati

mengawal

dan memerhati,

berkali kali,

tanpa keluh,

tanpa henti,

dari hadirnya ke bumi,

hingga saat dikebumi. 

ini

manusia

yang aku mahu 

jadi. 

5/3/13 3.42pm

I've been extra careless with my words and actions lately. :(

63: Where the heart is

a few of our paintings in this corner
a flower in a mug right over there
a bunch of pebbles on the kitchen table
sand and shells in a bottle somewhere

a black and white sculpture on the table
a lot of sunshine, with light in tight spots
a psychadellic rug to brighten up the area
some fans around in case it gets too hot

a disco ball in the middle of the fun room
a few places for books i love but barely read
a mismatched set of rainbowy kitchen things
mini garden at the back (no clue yet on what seeds)

a bed as if i'm sleeping on chocolate clouds
a colorful bunch of essentials for the bathroom
a few stained glass bowls with candles inside
space to geek out - where minds go boom.

a wall of pictures for the people in our life
a fridge of stuff homegrown or homemade
items in each room that remind us of Him
if all this came true, i know i'd have it made.

a few choice paintings in this corner
a flower in a mug right over there
a bunch of pebbles on the kitchen table
sand and shells in a bottle somewhere

a black and white sculpture on the table
a diy standing lamp in a tight spot
a psychadellic rug to brighten up the area
some fans around in case it gets too hot

a disco ball in the middle of the fun room
a few shelves for books i love but barely read
a whole set of rainbowy kitchen things
mini garden at the back (no clue yet on what seeds)

a bed with sheets as if i'm sleeping on clouds
a colorful set of essentials for the bathroom
a few stained glass bowls for candles inside
space to geek out - where minds go boom.

a wall of pictures for the people in my life
a fridge of stuff homegrown or homemade
items in each room that remind me of Him
if all this came true, i know i'd have it made.

29: Sweet cookie

   this
'chocolate sandwich marshmallow cake'
                    (as it says on the strange-looking package)
which,
     i have to admit,
 has been in my bag
      for the past 3 weeks
        -- at least
               (i'm sure) --
was a gift from a girl of about eight
  because she saw
       my face
          (darken)
when i had just realised
that i
       just missed
           a trip
              that i had been looking forward to
                for the past 2 weeks.

it's all squished up inside,
  but it still tastes sweet.

My cousin's son gave me choc. It was very sweet of her, especially considering how she's quite a cheeky one. She reminds me of Dora the explorer :)