183: devil's playground

 your persistent open burning

sparked by pandemic loneliness

fueled by anxiety and idle hands

is starting to destroy my sanctuary.


your smoky taste of trauma bonds 

this smell of ashy codependency

is starting to suffocate me.


i don't need another gaslight.


- devil's playground

2021-05-04, 6.24pm

🔥182: panic at the tesco

dissociating while doing groceries in a time of a pandemic is a whole different ballgame; a list in my shaking hand is no match for a brain that refuses to consistently process letters and numbers, so i walk in circles around aisles, lost among frozen foods and leafy veg i cannot recognise whatmore choose, my mind preoccupied with why we do things like cook or eat or shower or work or plan or dream when at the end of the day we're all sentenced to die with different expiration dates.

as i force myself to have faith that all this isn't just capitalistic chaos,
i am reminded that everything happens for a reason

god knows best, they say
so i stay
looking at my reflection wondering
whose eyes i am staring into.

10 april 2020

🔥181: karmic crescendo

TW

anxiety-riddled,
my head is a constant battle of sounds
and feelings crashing
like waves into each other;
interference scares me.
as does being out of rhythm,
missing too many beats — i am
conflict-averse but i am also
realistic:

i know that
sound travels faster
through solids and liquids
than through the air,
can be distorted
and interfered
into oblivion—
that when
push comes to shove,
whisper networks
can only reach so far.

choirs of screaming matches
between metoo advocates and rapist apologists
crescendos of nails 
scraped across a board
feel a bit too familiar
like listening to white noise and broken records on repeat
while scrolling through toiletpaperworthy nonapologies 
witnessing victims collectively crying in an orchestra of agony
and then be blamed for attention-seeking at best
of causing their own suffering at worst

although it pains me to listen to these tragic tunes
i find it amusing how so many mishear this collective choir as 
survivors celebrating with silly receipts in cancel parties
serving blistering hot tea sweetened by revenge - no

all this is anything but 
cathartic.

it’s to make people aware
that the same melodies are sung or screamed by those who suffered similar pains
and so that those of a similar frequency know
there are those who listen
that their voice matters
and we are not alone.

- karmic crescendo
20210315