186: not this one

In another world, reality, dimension,-
I would not feel the need to hide
behind aliases;
semi-anonymous accounts and self-censored face scribbles would be as archaic and alien as
my views being valued,
my traumas being validated,
and my feelings being justified.

In another universe,
I am accepted as I am.

In another lifetime,
I matter.

2023-01-30
2019-10-25

185: drowning

i keep getting tangled in deadlines, and then find myself lost in mazes of miswired neurons

i keep trying to unfeel the weight of the world, and then count all the ways i am a burden

i keep trying to stay afloat,
but this heart is too heavy

i don't have time
for this 

20220204 01:23

184: can nibble

kau bangga

lepas kau pecahkan siling kaca

berdiri tegak di mercu kejayaan

kau bahagia

lupa yang kau pijak segala tulang belakang yang rapuh bawah 

yang kau ratah lapah darah daging, isi tinggalkan kuku

kau bahaya

20250130 1458

kau bangga

pecahkan siling kaca

dengan memijak tetulang

belakang dibawah

kau bahagia

tegak di mercu kejayaan

setelah meratah darah daging

orang disekeliling

kau benar-benar

bahaya

2021-10-15 09.40

183: devil's playground

 your persistent open burning

sparked by pandemic loneliness

fueled by anxiety and idle hands

is starting to destroy my sanctuary.

your smoky taste of trauma bonds 

this smell of ashy codependency

is starting to suffocate me.

i don't need another gaslight.

- devil's playground

2021-05-04, 6.24pm

🔥182: panic at the tesco

dissociating while doing groceries in a time of a pandemic is a whole different ballgame; a list in my shaking hand is no match for a brain that refuses to consistently process letters and numbers, so i walk in circles around aisles, lost among frozen foods and leafy veg i cannot recognise whatmore choose, my mind preoccupied with why we do things like cook or eat or shower or work or plan or dream when at the end of the day we're all sentenced to die with different expiration dates.

as i force myself to have faith that all this isn't just capitalistic chaos,

i am reminded that everything happens for a reason

god knows best, they say

so i stay

looking at my reflection wondering

whose eyes i am staring into.

10 april 2020

🔥181: karmic crescendo

TW

anxiety-riddled,

my head is a constant battle of sounds

and feelings crashing

like waves into each other;

interference scares me.

as does being out of rhythm,

missing too many beats — i am

conflict-averse but i am also

realistic:

i know that

sound travels faster

through solids and liquids

than through the air,

can be distorted

and interfered

into oblivion—

that when

push comes to shove,

whisper networks

can only reach so far.

choirs of screaming matches

between metoo advocates and rapist apologists

crescendos of nails 

scraped across a board

feel a bit too familiar

like listening to white noise and broken records on repeat

while scrolling through toiletpaperworthy nonapologies 

witnessing victims collectively crying in an orchestra of agony

and then be blamed for attention-seeking at best

of causing their own suffering at worst

although it pains me to listen to these tragic tunes

i find it amusing how so many mishear this collective choir as 

survivors celebrating with silly receipts in cancel parties

serving blistering hot tea sweetened by revenge - no

all this is anything but 

cathartic.

it’s to make people aware

that the same melodies are sung or screamed by those who suffered similar pains

and so that those of a similar frequency know

there are those who listen

that their voice matters

and we are not alone.

- karmic crescendo

20210315