kau bangga
lepas kau pecahkan siling kaca
berdiri tegak di mercu kejayaan
kau bahagia
lupa yang kau pijak segala tulang belakang yang rapuh bawah
yang kau ratah lapah darah daging, isi tinggalkan kuku
kau bahaya
20250130 1458
Showing posts with label society. Show all posts
Showing posts with label society. Show all posts
184: can nibble
160: fakeup
blurring the shadows from the past sleepless nights
lining soul’s windows with the cattiest of sights
flicking off the ends, 'few times for good measure
to last all through the day in pain or with pleasure
plucking the follicles that have grown astray
filling in the gaps left behind by d.n.a.
staining the pale from being pursed for too long
plumping them with shades they keep on saying are wrong
powdering the rest, especially the spots
gathering the loose strands and untangling the knots
staring at the reflection, wonder with dread:
am i seeking attention by looking less 'dead'?
2019-03-27 2.10pm
lining soul’s windows with the cattiest of sights
flicking off the ends, 'few times for good measure
to last all through the day in pain or with pleasure
plucking the follicles that have grown astray
filling in the gaps left behind by d.n.a.
staining the pale from being pursed for too long
plumping them with shades they keep on saying are wrong
powdering the rest, especially the spots
gathering the loose strands and untangling the knots
staring at the reflection, wonder with dread:
am i seeking attention by looking less 'dead'?
2019-03-27 2.10pm
150: Sayang
she calls me Sayang
as her love straightjackets me
while the padded walls absorb my screams
and my streams and my dreams
and it seems that she thinks she’s trying
to save me by tugging me tightly
but i’m no barbie in abaya,
nothing but a black sheep in wire
who'd rather crossfire than conspire,
wearing social justice warrior
as a badge of honor.
.
dia panggil aku Sayang,
dan aku dihidupkan untuk menjadi bonekanya yang
solek-selokanya bak bidadari tanpa bayang-bayang.
tapi sayang, suaraku tak semerdu dayang
rambut tak lebat berikal mayang
lidah tak sehalus tali lelayang
tubuhku tak seramping tiang
senyumku tak semanis angan-angan siang.
.
dia panggil aku Sayang,
tapi diriku dah penat ditayang.
sendiku sakit dihuyung-hayang,
diheret, disentak rentak si juru wayang.
yet even after decades of resistance
i am still struggling to keep a distance
between her scripts for me and my own reality.
.
she calls me Sayang,
and sometimes i wonder
if the word has lost its meaning
because the more she talks to me
the more redundant she makes me feel.
.
she calls me Sayang,
so the saying "marah maknanya sayang"
is really just gaslighting,
isn't it?
2019-04-12 7.20pm
2018-01-30 3.06pm
as her love straightjackets me
while the padded walls absorb my screams
and my streams and my dreams
and it seems that she thinks she’s trying
to save me by tugging me tightly
but i’m no barbie in abaya,
nothing but a black sheep in wire
who'd rather crossfire than conspire,
wearing social justice warrior
as a badge of honor.
.
dia panggil aku Sayang,
dan aku dihidupkan untuk menjadi bonekanya yang
solek-selokanya bak bidadari tanpa bayang-bayang.
tapi sayang, suaraku tak semerdu dayang
rambut tak lebat berikal mayang
lidah tak sehalus tali lelayang
tubuhku tak seramping tiang
senyumku tak semanis angan-angan siang.
.
dia panggil aku Sayang,
tapi diriku dah penat ditayang.
sendiku sakit dihuyung-hayang,
diheret, disentak rentak si juru wayang.
yet even after decades of resistance
i am still struggling to keep a distance
between her scripts for me and my own reality.
.
she calls me Sayang,
and sometimes i wonder
if the word has lost its meaning
because the more she talks to me
the more redundant she makes me feel.
.
she calls me Sayang,
so the saying "marah maknanya sayang"
is really just gaslighting,
isn't it?
2019-04-12 7.20pm
2018-01-30 3.06pm
87: BittersweeTea
sweet
is my iced wintermelon tea
as i nibble at the gummy bubbles
and the flavored rainbow jellies
-munch
-munch
look outside
-munch
an old woman walks past
-munch
-mun--
her blanket over her arm
---ch
her hair unkempt
-pause
her expression confused
-stare
her clothes disarray
-focus
Homeless?
-assess
Disowned!
-conclude
Disability.
-pause
is my iced wintermelon tea
as i nibble at the gummy bubbles
and the flavored rainbow jellies
-munch
-munch
look outside
-munch
an old woman walks past
-munch
-mun--
her blanket over her arm
---ch
her hair unkempt
-pause
her expression confused
-stare
her clothes disarray
-focus
Homeless?
-assess
Disowned!
-conclude
Disability.
-pause
-munch.
-look down
chatime in my palm
-look out
blanket on her arm
-stop
chatime in my palm
-look out
blanket on her arm
-stop
Gulp.
sweet
is my iced wintermelon tea,
but did it always have
such a bitter aftertaste?
is my iced wintermelon tea,
but did it always have
such a bitter aftertaste?
Aug 11 2013
84: tempo rally
This is the Future:
identified by = #
evaluated by = %
penalised by = $
and forced to face
an infinite input of facts and figures
and insanity in the form of information overload
of truths and half-truths,
of white lies and whole lies,
with processors
swollen by nothing of importance,
with memories
numbed by nothing of relevance.
here are beings
disinterested
for having existed
in a world so filthy and twisted,
and be judged for crimes they had to inherit
and to right wrongs they did not commit --
This is the Future.
getting closer and closer
as loud as ever
but on mute.
This is the Future,
where the silent screams
are nothing
but
deafening.
70: blow job
To think
that being a quarter century old
would help me
endure the mental torture
and the emotional turmoil
of figuring out how to minimise
the blow
of breaking another person's heart.
that being a quarter century old
would help me
endure the mental torture
and the emotional turmoil
of figuring out how to minimise
the blow
of breaking another person's heart.
29/11/12 2pm
68: like them
why must i
respect people who could straight up lie
worry what everyone thinks until i want to cry
be forced to be a busybody when i hate to pry
work like an adult but be treated like a child
wear what they wear because it's in style
pretend i'm a tree, powerless and docile
listen to views that are far from fertile
have expensive taste and be in denial?
why must i
be sly
without making a sigh
and without feeling vile?
and why must i
do all this to beguile
and without asking why
like them?
67: the sole battle
at the end of the day
these rows of lustrous lots
these groups of vague vendors
these lines of scripted sentences
are operating
like an oasis
in the middle of nowhere;
offering
promises
to care less;
promises
that are careless.
because
as you get closer,
you would soon realise
your eyes wildly looking around to soak in the vision of what you are able to (par)take,
your mouth salivates with the thought of how that sparkling pond water would taste,
your fingers would carelessly reach out to touch, feel, things you have longed for.
all to satisfy
your natural instincts
your worldly desires
your own foolishness.
and yet, you make a run for it.
you run like your life depended on it.
does it?
does our life depend on whether we reach this oasis,
despite knowing that
we are still
lost
and
alone
in a desert?
perhaps we have lost sight of
or lost track of
or have completely removed ourselves of the thought that
there is
an untouched-as-yet lake
up in the virgin mountains
just waiting
for us
to have a swim.
may we all win the battle
against ourselves
when we face a mirage
in the comforting disguise
of an oasis.
may we all reach that lake.
ameen.
why are we killing each other
and ourselves
in a race
to reach an oasis
that is only a mirage?
these rows of lustrous lots
these groups of vague vendors
these lines of scripted sentences
are operating
like an oasis
in the middle of nowhere;
offering
promises
to care less;
promises
that are careless.
because
as you get closer,
you would soon realise
your eyes wildly looking around to soak in the vision of what you are able to (par)take,
your mouth salivates with the thought of how that sparkling pond water would taste,
your fingers would carelessly reach out to touch, feel, things you have longed for.
all to satisfy
your natural instincts
your worldly desires
your own foolishness.
and yet, you make a run for it.
you run like your life depended on it.
does it?
does our life depend on whether we reach this oasis,
despite knowing that
we are still
lost
and
alone
in a desert?
perhaps we have lost sight of
or lost track of
or have completely removed ourselves of the thought that
there is
an untouched-as-yet lake
up in the virgin mountains
just waiting
for us
to have a swim.
may we all win the battle
against ourselves
when we face a mirage
in the comforting disguise
of an oasis.
may we all reach that lake.
ameen.
why are we killing each other
and ourselves
in a race
to reach an oasis
that is only a mirage?
66: Mallicious.
i hate walking around aimlessly
i hate wanting without understanding why
i hate trying to find out why i feel so out of place
i hate seeing rows of shops like deja vu on every floor
i hate salespeople with fake smiles and sugarcoated words
i hate being manipulated by people who only care about making profit
i hate hating myself for spending on myself in order to make others feel happy
i hate the sights sounds tastes smells of plastic dreams i'm supposed to be drowning in
i hate seeing people pride themselves with things by the oppressed's blood, sweat and tears;
malls are malicious,
and these are just a few reasons why.
62: All about the dosh
money can buy you a wholesome feast
but not an appetite
money can pay for your under the table degree
but not an ounce of respect
money can get you something to warm your bed
but not to warm your heart
money can afford you flashy cars at the speed of light
but not satisfy the need for speed
money can score people who will blindly take your side
but not true loyalty
money can win over unquestioning voters
but not unquestionable critics
money can land you a lot of luxuries in life
but not a sense of security
money can make your world go round,
but not everyone's.
not everyone's.
but not an appetite
money can pay for your under the table degree
but not an ounce of respect
money can get you something to warm your bed
but not to warm your heart
money can afford you flashy cars at the speed of light
but not satisfy the need for speed
money can score people who will blindly take your side
but not true loyalty
money can win over unquestioning voters
but not unquestionable critics
money can land you a lot of luxuries in life
but not a sense of security
money can make your world go round,
but not everyone's.
not everyone's.
58: why i am a feminist
i am a feminist
because
They keep reminding me
by touch
by humour
by education
by interaction
by observation
by prescribed obligations
that
it's a man's world out there,
and men and women
i am told
are as different as night and day
and we need to RESPECT that
men are the decision-makers --
women should only be drones --
because women can't lead, only follow;
we need to just stfu because we're hollow,
and if we disagree,
they'll make damn sure there'll be sorrow
because we're only good if we can blow,
right?
no,
i don't hate men.
i just don't trust them.
because
They keep reminding me
by touch
by humour
by education
by interaction
by observation
by prescribed obligations
that
it's a man's world out there,
and men and women
i am told
are as different as night and day
and we need to RESPECT that
men are the decision-makers --
women should only be drones --
because women can't lead, only follow;
we need to just stfu because we're hollow,
and if we disagree,
they'll make damn sure there'll be sorrow
because we're only good if we can blow,
right?
no,
i don't hate men.
i just don't trust them.
55: pointblank
What is the point of
having both eyes open when
you choose to be blind?
What is the point of
having a heart and mind when
you keep them confined?
having both eyes open when
you choose to be blind?
What is the point of
having a heart and mind when
you keep them confined?
42: damaged
why?
why are you in such a state?
why are you in so much pain?
why are you so... damaged?
what have you done to yourself?
what has society done to make you this way?
what have we all done to cause us to be like this?
i'm really curious to know why you are the way you are
and i'm also scared to know what you might answer.
why are you in such a state?
why are you in so much pain?
why are you so... damaged?
what have you done to yourself?
what has society done to make you this way?
what have we all done to cause us to be like this?
i'm really curious to know why you are the way you are
and i'm also scared to know what you might answer.
35: eid is.
of themed new clothes in treasured family pics,
of toothy cackles against sparkles and fired sticks;
of cash in packets and kissing elderly's hands,
of devouring delicious foods and asking for amends;
of wanting peace and happiness for people the world around,
all of this and infinitely more! but not quite for everyone, i found.
- 21/8/12 4.27pm
of toothy cackles against sparkles and fired sticks;
of cash in packets and kissing elderly's hands,
of devouring delicious foods and asking for amends;
of wanting peace and happiness for people the world around,
all of this and infinitely more! but not quite for everyone, i found.
- 21/8/12 4.27pm
27: Unsound (Public Transport People #2)
i can't remember how it started, but
the lady next to me told me that
the lady next to her told her that
she didn't know when to get off.
she was simply told
to get on at kl sentral,
then get off at senawang.
it was her first time on a komuter.
white-haired, deaf, and illiterate,
she only had a bag of clothes
and a torn paper with a scribbled number
without a phone to call it with.
it was her first time on a komuter.
as her petite frame shrinked further into her seat
and her tired, weary eyes repeatedly searched the carriage
perhaps for a familiar face,
perhaps for some kind of miracle,
in the end, the only thing she could do
was wait until she stops at a train station
that she couldn't even read the name of.
last updated: 2016-01-31 7.10pm
---
everytime i think of this old lady, my heart breaks.
---
as i boarded the ktm
the lady next to me told me that
the lady next to her told her that
she wasn't sure where to stop.
she was simply told to
get on at kl sentral, and
get off at senawang,
on a komuter train -- her first time in her life -- without anyone to accompany her.
it seems incomprehensible to me that
she can't hear or say much
(she's quite deaf, you see),
and she can't read much,
(she's quite illiterate, you see),
and she doesn't have a phone
(because let's be realistic here -- it's not like she can hear or talk or read anything on a phone),
and yet here she is,
this teary-eyed white-haired woman in her 70's,
sitting in a moving train she has never been on,
not knowing how to read a route map
(or even how to tell the time),
and frightened and alone and overwhelmed that
she is a deaf and illiterate woman in her 70's
without a definite means to say "I'm here!" to,
and the only thing she could do
was wait for someone to get her when she stops at a station
that she can't even read the name of.
=============
i can't remember how it started, but
the lady next to me told me that
the lady next to her told her that
she wasn't sure where to stop.
she was simply told
(by the son and daughter) to
get on at kl sentral, and
get off at senawang,
on a ktm komuter -- for her first time in her life -- without anyone to accompany her.
it seems incomprehensible to me that
she can't hear or say much
(she's quite deaf, you see),
and she can't read much
(she's quite illiterate, you see),
and she doesn't have a phone
(because COME ON -- it's not like she can hear or talk or read anything on a phone),
and yet here she is,
this teary-eyed white-haired woman in her 70's,
sitting in a moving train she has never been on,
not knowing how to read a route map
(or where 'senawang' even is)
and frightened and alone and overwhelmed because
she is a deaf and illiterate woman in her 70's
who could only wait for someone to get her when she stops at a station
that she can't even read the name of.
8.24pm
---
i can't remember how it started, but
the lady next to me told me that
the lady next to her told her that
she wasn't sure where to stop.
she was simply told
(by her son and daughter) to
get on at kl sentral, and
get off at senawang,
on a ktm komuter -- for the first time in her life -- without anyone to assist her.
it seems incomprehensible to me that
she can't hear or say much
(she's quite deaf, you see),
and she can't read much
(she's quite illiterate, you see),
and she doesn't have a phone
(because LET'S BE REALISTIC -- it's not like she can hear or talk or read anything on a phone),
and yet here she is,
this teary-eyed white-haired woman in her 70's,
sitting in a moving train she has never been on,
without a clue of how to read a route map, and
without any way of saying (to whoever is picking her up) "I'm here!".
sitting next to strangers
who can barely understand her, and
trying to hold back feelings of sadness, fear,
loneliness and how overwhelmed she was
as a deaf and illiterate woman in her 70's
sitting in a moving train with no familiar faces around her
and the only she could do,
was wait for someone to get her when she stops at a train station
that she can't even read the name of.
---
i can't remember how it started, but
the lady next to me told me that
the lady next to her told her that
she wasn't sure where to stop.
she was simply told
(by her son and daughter) to
get on at kl sentral, then
get off at senawang
on a ktm komuter (for the first time in her life -- and without any assistance).
it seems incomprehensible to me that
she can't hear or say much
(she's quite deaf, you see),
and she can't read much
(she's quite illiterate, you see),
and she doesn't have a phone
(because LET'S BE REALISTIC -- it's not like she can hear or talk or read anything on a phone),
and yet here she is, this
white-haired woman in her 70's,
sitting in a vehicle she has never been on,
without a clue of how to read a route map, and
without any way of saying (to whoever was going to pick her up) "I'm here!".
sitting next to those who can
barely understand what she utters,
her watery eyes, reflecting
her fear of uncertainty and abandonment,
look around at the unfamiliar faces
with hope but in vain
because the only thing she could do
was wait for someone to get her when she stops at a train station
that she can't even read the name of.
---
25: The Gamble
hearts
are such fragile things,
but
you have to risk
the ache
of losing yours
if you want to
truly
win over
someone else's;
no pain,
no gain.
---
2.12am
to a friend's admirer:
just confess and get on with life already
are such fragile things,
but
you have to risk
the ache
of losing yours
if you want to
truly
win over
someone else's;
no pain,
no gain.
---
2.12am
to a friend's admirer:
just confess and get on with life already
24: Nature vs Nurture
you always make it seem
like my sole purpose
in life
is to hurt you.
with the way i
walk,
talk,
argue,
and refuse;
the way i
hesitate,
aggravate,
disappoint,
and miss your point (of view).
i do wonder
if your image of me
is not entirely
untrue.
really,
i don't mean to be mean,
but there are times i think
subconsciously,
i do.
like my sole purpose
in life
is to hurt you.
with the way i
walk,
talk,
argue,
and refuse;
the way i
hesitate,
aggravate,
disappoint,
and miss your point (of view).
i do wonder
if your image of me
is not entirely
untrue.
really,
i don't mean to be mean,
but there are times i think
subconsciously,
i do.
12.12am
22: It's a Girl/Thing
Silly thing,
Girls can't climb trees
or play with ladybugs
or chase chickens
or arm-wrestle!
Girls must cook things
and do house chores
and be pretty
and just listen!
Silly thing.
12.11am
Girls can't climb trees
or play with ladybugs
or chase chickens
or arm-wrestle!
Girls must cook things
and do house chores
and be pretty
and just listen!
Silly thing.
12.11am
21: What I was told
ever since i could remember,
i was constantly told that i was
a bit too dark and my body was
a bit too fat and my hair was
a bit too curly and my feet were
a bit too crooked and my voice was
a bit too loud and my smile was
a bit too wide and my demeanor was
a bit too unfeminine and my pronunciations were
a bit too gobbled up and that
nobody
will marry me unless i changed.
bless your hearts
for warning me of how my life will always revolve around the idea of how marriage-material i am,
and
please excuse my insolence in questioning your authority and wisdom
but
i'm a bit Confused:
if i change, there is a chance someone might like me,
but
if i change, is there a chance i will like myself?
11.33pm
i was constantly told that i was
a bit too dark and my body was
a bit too fat and my hair was
a bit too curly and my feet were
a bit too crooked and my voice was
a bit too loud and my smile was
a bit too wide and my demeanor was
a bit too unfeminine and my pronunciations were
a bit too gobbled up and that
nobody
will marry me unless i changed.
bless your hearts
for warning me of how my life will always revolve around the idea of how marriage-material i am,
and
please excuse my insolence in questioning your authority and wisdom
but
i'm a bit Confused:
if i change, there is a chance someone might like me,
but
if i change, is there a chance i will like myself?
11.33pm
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