Faith like spring flowers,
Thoughts like autumn decay,
Heart like winter showers.
I'll be completely honest: I'm pretty heartbroken right now. Returning to my home country has been quite eventful for me. Leaving my 3.5 'student life' years behind, ie. my memories, my loved ones, my independence, my freedom... yeah it's pretty hard. Although I've been enjoying the food and meeting my family and friends, a lot of things have been brewing in my mind... about love, life and everything in between. As soon as I touched down on that plane that night, I realise that I'm back in reality; my bubble has burst, and it's time to shake myself awake.
I have only been here for a few days, but I've felt a variety of emotions of various degrees. Essentially, I feel tired that my thoughts & philosophies are being challenged by the people I trust and cherish - not exactly in constructive/positive ways. I'm getting tired of the put-downs and the general dismissive/condescending attitudes that adults here have...
I've been told that I'm too idealistic about the world -- and this will ultimately lead to my disappointment in myself and society. I've been told that that's simply reality - things can't always turn out the way we hope/expect them to turn out, because that's not how the world works.
I've been told that I need to look good all the time -- I need to wear the right clothes, I need to not get fat/pimples/scars, I need to do my facial routines and makeups, I need to dress nicely even when I'm not going anywhere important/for long; I need to LOOK MY BEST ALL THE TIME. I've been told that this is important in (Malaysian) society, because people decide our worthiness by our appearance, and if you're not thin, you're not in.
I've been told that I don't know how life works, how the real world is, how things really are -- how, essentially, people are. I've been told I'll never 'get it' because of my upbringing, that I can never truly understand, that I've got it easy and I should be grateful and just accept the fact that everyone leads different lifestyles and there's absolutely nothing we can do about it.
I may seem naive for being idealistic, but at least I haven't given up on caring about society because I believe that many 'rotten apples' CAN still change; they've just not been given enough opportunities/support in their lives to improve. At the very least, I still have some faith in people and not judge people simply by my first impression.
I may look ugly for not having the 'ideal' face/body/skin, but at least I know that beauty on the outside is nothing compared to what's on the inside (and that's what I personally treasure more). At the very least, I know that it's cruel to psychologically cause people to feel frustrated and ashamed about the way they naturally look.
I may sound stupid for saying/questioning certain things despite the fact that I've never been able to experience the things that the people I talk about have to experience, but just because I didn't share their (mis)fortunes doesn't mean it's impossible for me to empathise with them, and doesn't mean I'm completely blinded by my own life. At the very least, I am willing to admit that I could be wrong and have a lot to learn.
I am not that brainless, worthless and tactless.
Sorry for the long ramble, but it's amazing how one week at home made me realise why I love&hate everything here. I guess, like Tennessee Williams notes:
'Memory takes a lot of poetic licence. It omits some details; others are exaggerated, according to the emotional value of the articles it touches, for memory is seated predominantly in the heart' - The Glass Menagerie.
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