88: hazy

The problem is
Him;

I can almost imagine
His face breaking into a cheeky grin
And letting out a hearty laugh
As he talks about everything and nothing.
Always playfully serious and seriously playful.

I can almost imagine
Him willingly burn his lungs with toxic gas
And letting out sweet utterances, unmeaned
Interlaced with meaningful words, unsaid.

The problem is
Me;

I am almost sure
He's not The One,
But I am starting to be more intrigued.
I am starting to falter
Though I'm probably just another plaything to him.

I am almost sure
That I should really hold back
Because this haze has clouded
The area around me
As well as my sense of judgment.

87: BittersweeTea

sweet
is my iced wintermelon tea
as i nibble at the gummy bubbles
and the flavored rainbow jellies
-munch
-munch
look outside
-munch
an old woman walks past
-munch
-mun--
her blanket over her arm
---ch
her hair unkempt
-pause
her expression confused
-stare
her clothes disarray
-focus
Homeless?
-assess
Disowned!
-conclude
Disability.
-pause

-munch.

-look down
chatime in my palm
-look out
blanket on her arm
-stop

Gulp.

sweet
is my iced wintermelon tea,
but did it always have
such a bitter aftertaste?

Aug 11 2013

86: Maximum volume on mute

So I laugh a bit too loud.

and i can get a bit clingy
and am too distant at other times
and i like things that don't matter much to others
and anything out of the ordinary
and i get excited about fictional characters
and over people who will never know who I am
and i hate unrealistic expectations
and being told what to do and when to do it,

But

nothing pisses me more
than someone
believing
they can control
what i do.say.think;

I am not blind
I am not stupid
I am not that naive

So

i've been waiting for you to notice
that you are not talking to a mirror
though you might as well be
since you're trying so intently
to fix your own reflection
in the form of me.

I am not blind
I am not stupid
I am not that naive.

flawed is the least I could be
but to change me completely
is robbing me of my individuality
and
i'd rather be
chained and
gagged and
shackled and
beg
on my knees
than to apologise for
what i never was,
things i can't possibly be,
for being who i am
not who you want to see --

I am not blind
I am not stupid
I am not fucking naive.

Seriously,
i shouldve known better
than to stop laughing
when you said

I laugh too loud.

---

remembering things and a certain someone who made me angry in the past.