117: cur(se)few

TW

i wouldn't be stupid enough to be out past midnight by myself
-- why ask for trouble?
but when i have to,
every gaze from a passerby
every puff of smoke from somewhere close by
every catcall
every chuckle
every shadow
every footstep
every flickering light
every creaking sound
every freaking thing
is amplified like i'm walking through a dark, icy cave.

the temperature doesn't drop,
but i subconsciously wrap myself
with my arms and with my prayers
as i try to make sure i haven't lost my voice
-- in case i had to scream
and i glance down to see that no shoelace is untied
-- in case i had to run
and with a cellphone in one hand
and whatever i could get in the other,
i pick up pace at every corner
i lock the door as soon as i'm inside,
and with blood raging through my veins in anger
and my heart pounding so hard out of fear
it pains me to realise
why i don't go out past midnight,
and why
for those who don't have a choice but to endure this
every. single. damn. day,
they're told
that they're asking for it.

2017

---


i wouldn't be stupid enough to be out past midnight by myself
-- why ask for trouble?
but when i have to,
every gaze from a passerby
every puff of smoke from somewhere close by
every catcall
every chuckle
every shadow
every footstep
every flickering light
every creaking sound
every freaking thing
is amplified like i'm walking through a dark, icy cave.

the temperature doesn't drop,
but i subconsciously wrap myself
with my arms and with my prayers
as i try to make sure i haven't lost my voice
-- in case i had to scream
and i glance down to see no shoelace is untied
-- in case i had to run
and with a cellphone in one hand
and something lethal in the other,
i pick up pace at every corner
i lock the door as soon as i'm inside,
and with blood raging through my veins out of anger
and my heart pounding so hard out of fear
it pains me to realise
why i don't go out past midnight,
and why
for those who don't have a choice but to endure this
every. single. damn. day,
society tells them
that they're asking for it.

---

- Izzaty | #YesAllWomen | 29/5/2014 | 11.30am

113: scald

of numbers one to ten:
of indifference and going crazy
of in denial and feeling guilty,

on the scale
of all the things through which i've been living to everything i'm capable of being,
of the truths i've been believing to what i'm trying to be achieving,

on the scale
of greatness and sanity
of good health and charity
of godliness and clarity,

i think i finally understand
where i stand.

because on the scale
of underwhelming limits and limiting overgeneralisation,
of forms zero to infinity,
of anorexic to obesity,
i worry
to a senseless degree
of what i am
on scalea

93: Down With Love!

She said

he's over one hour late
stuff about her ex
stuff about conflicts between generations
stuff about middle children
stuff about school
stuff about exes bring baggage
stuff about her family
stuff about why she's afraid of the dark
stuff to not make her look like an idiot

(to no avail)

Naked doesn't even begin to explain
how she felt -- but
She should've known better
For having always been transparent --
She should've known better
For they say people living in glass houses
should mind what they do --

(but alas)

She uses that excuse again --
that she keeps forgetting
to keep being rational
to keep acting professional
to keep doing what's right
to keep avoiding what's wrong
to keep reminding herself

(again and again and again) --

Crushes will most likely
crush her.

92: Down With Love?

He said

We live on different planes of reality
I'm kidnapping you
I'm glad you're shorter than me
You might be surprised by how many exes I have
Here's a toy I bought at RantAi
I don't really like taller women
At least I'm not in debt
Have a look at this
I go everywhere for my girlfriends
I want to be like sustainable man
I don't want to worry about getting married
Pretty girls are usually crazy -- it usually takes 2 months for them to show their craziness

And I listen
And I wonder
and I smile
And I frown
And I nod
quietly

And he

Leans in to suggest what to eat
Taps my arm to tell me something
Takes me to artsy places
Introduces me to his friends
Smokes discreetly
Hands me a gift
Buys me dinner
Doesn't ask why I tested whether his toy would sink or float
Walks odd because of his injury
Invites me to experience art with him

And I blush
And I grin
And I laugh
And I think
And I look
away.

But he

Doesn't care about time
Doesn't consider making a family
Doesn't plan for the future
Is haunted by his past
Is relaxed about his present
Can't do long-term
Can't stop smoking
Can't be alone

Said I was pretty

Why do you do this to me?

And I am probably lonely
And I am possibly bored
And I am slightly agitated
And I am definitely tired
of Love

91: la problématique

'problem is,

i get hooked too easily
and am too slow to let go
i somehow get blown away
and lose sight of the ground
i stand at the very edge
and continue to

Wait -- [ pause > edit > play ]

problem is:

i wish you would
pull me up
hold me down
take me

On -- [ stop > rewind > edit > play ]

the problem is

i need you
out of my head.


27/9/13 @2.11am

90: F = for lying

Attention all Pilots
cruising along the clouds
soaring through the sky:

Flick open your headlights

Reassess your coordinates

Switch off that autopilot

And hold on to the wheel.

And
don't
let
Go.

No matter what they say,
No matter what they do,
No matter what happens --

Their wonderful twists and turns
will never be enough.

Your sweet flight of fantasy
will not last forever.

So take off the sleep blinding your eyes,

And take off the smiles binding their lies,

and
land

Safe

and

Sound.

Attention all Pilots,
cruising along the clouds
soaring through the sky:

Flick open your headlights.

Switch off that autopilot.

Hold on to the wheel.

No matter what they say,
No matter what they do,
No matter what happens --
Don't.
Let.
Go.

Your sweet flight
Of fantasy
Will not last forever.

Your wonderful twists
And turns
Will never be enough.

You will eventually have to
Steer yourself back into Reality

(You will eventually have to
Come back down to Earth)

Take off the sleep
blinding your eyes.
Take off the smiles
binding those lies;

And
land

Safe

and

Sound.

89: curses

the papers
will not mark themselves

so
in between
black coffee fixes
and coughing spells
and trance-like eyes
at an ungodly hour

in between
scolding myself
in the office,
it's nice when
someone is willing to talk
about
something
everything
and nothing.

even when there's someone.
especially when there's no one.

but alas,

the papers
will not mark themselves.

86: Maximum volume on mute

So I laugh a bit too loud.

and i can get a bit clingy
and am too distant at other times
and i like things that don't matter much to others
and anything out of the ordinary
and i get excited about fictional characters
and over people who will never know who I am
and i hate unrealistic expectations
and being told what to do and when to do it,

But

nothing pisses me more
than someone
believing
they can control
what i do.say.think;

I am not blind
I am not stupid
I am not that naive

So

i've been waiting for you to notice
that you are not talking to a mirror
though you might as well be
since you're trying so intently
to fix your own reflection
in the form of me.

I am not blind
I am not stupid
I am not that naive.

flawed is the least I could be
but to change me completely
is robbing me of my individuality
and
i'd rather be
chained and
gagged and
shackled and
beg
on my knees
than to apologise for
what i never was,
things i can't possibly be,
for being who i am
not who you want to see --

I am not blind
I am not stupid
I am not fucking naive.

Seriously,
i shouldve known better
than to stop laughing
when you said

I laugh too loud.

---

remembering things and a certain someone who made me angry in the past.

73: of the prerequisites of being alive

today
i was told
to stop worrying
and to start living.

that couldn't possibly be right.

only the living
are capable of worrying,

right?

71: boiling point

It's not fair that you
allow your eyes to wander, while
I simmer inside

It's not fair when you
let your eyes wander; it makes
me simmer inside.

Nov 3rd 11.52am

70: blow job

To think
that being a quarter century old
would help me
endure the mental torture
and the emotional turmoil
of figuring out how to minimise
the blow
of breaking another person's heart.

29/11/12 2pm

68: like them

why must i
respect people who could straight up lie
worry what everyone thinks until i want to cry
be forced to be a busybody when i hate to pry
work like an adult but be treated like a child
wear what they wear because it's in style
pretend i'm a tree, powerless and docile
listen to views that are far from fertile
have expensive taste and be in denial?

why must i
be sly
without making a sigh
and without feeling vile?

and why must i
do all this to beguile
and without asking why
like them?

66: Mallicious.

i hate walking around aimlessly
i hate wanting without understanding why
i hate trying to find out why i feel so out of place
i hate seeing rows of shops like deja vu on every floor
i hate salespeople with fake smiles and sugarcoated words
i hate being manipulated by people who only care about making profit
i hate hating myself for spending on myself in order to make others feel happy
i hate the sights sounds tastes smells of plastic dreams i'm supposed to be drowning in
i hate seeing people pride themselves with things by the oppressed's blood, sweat and tears;

malls are malicious,
and these are just a few reasons why.

64: Malls, I

what are malls, other
than a place
to deceive the masses
and our own selves?