100: breaking news

how do you
brake
the news
to a child
that their only parent
is gone
?
here's one way
:
letting her
estranged villagefolk
who came to take her home
break
the news
at the schoolgate instead
.
because nobody prepared you to face
her
breaking voice
,
her
breaking down
,
as she tries to remain standing
in spite of her wobbly knees
;
as she struggles afloat though
her vision is drowning in tears
;
bothered breathing
,
sobbing and suffocating
;
and you watch
jaw dropped
hands shaking
mind numbed
because nothing prepared you for this
.
holding this
trembling soul
shaken and stirred
by the twists of fate
of having lost
her sole supporter
?
trying to
unbreak
herself
in her state of mind
of worrying about every single thing
of unpredictable uncertainties
---
then you start to realise
that she is no more prepared
than you are
.
nothing
prepared
me
for this
.
how do i
break
the news
to a child
that their only parent
is gone
?

---

written: 13/4/13
last edited: 3/12/13

89: curses

the papers
will not mark themselves

so
in between
black coffee fixes
and coughing spells
and trance-like eyes
at an ungodly hour

in between
scolding myself
in the office,
it's nice when
someone is willing to talk
about
something
everything
and nothing.

even when there's someone.
especially when there's no one.

but alas,

the papers
will not mark themselves.

78: Adieu Kate

kate said:

"at the end of the day,

all teachers look for are mistakes"

i was about to defend my profession

i was about to defend myself
but then i realised
that in our dualistic system of
black or white
loose or tight
wrong or right
we have lost sight

of kids like kate:

in the middle of the line

in the middle of the graph

in the middle of the spectrum
in the middle of everything

and yet nowhere to be found.

we stuff them into boxes

expecting them to still breathe

and then we wonder

why they choke when we ask them to speak;

we make them give answers

based on prepared marking schemes
they can't think too far

-- can't give more than the examiner wanted;

we want them to be unique

yet shut them down when they are

and sweep under the carpet

their blood, sweat and tears like specks of dust

we tell them to listen listen listen

and then we talk talk talk talk talk
because only adults
can have opinions, right?

and then we complain

that kids like kate
become notorious rebels

or passionless zombies.

so when kate finishes school

i wonder if i can honestly say
"adieu, kate!"
as she faces the world beyond the school gate
because she will come to realise
that school didn't really prepare her for all that
but in some ways, it did
just not exactly like

what we had said.

---

kate said

"at the end of the day

all teachers look for

are mistakes"

i was about to defend my profession

i was about to defend myself

and then i realised

that she was not far from right.

because in our dualistic system of

black or white

loose or tight

wrong or right

we have lost sight

of kids like kate,

those who are

in the middle of the line

in the middle of the graph

in the middle of the spectrum

in the middle of everything

and yet nowhere to be found

and

we stuff them into boxes

expecting them to breathe

and then we wonder

why they choke when we ask them to speak;

we force them to answer

based on the scheme

not what they had discovered

-- hey, it's more than what the examiner wanted.

we want them to manage 

by themselves,

so we sweep under the carpet

their blood, sweat and tears like specks of dust

we give them rules to follow

which we ourselves

don't heed or understand

and then say 'tut tut' when they are confused

we tell them to listen listen listen

and then we talk talk talk talk talk

because only adults

can have opinions, right?

and then we complain

that kids like kate

become notorious

or lifeless beings.

so when kate finishes school

i wonder if i can honestly say

"adieu, kate!"

as she faces the world beyond the school gate

because she will come to realise

that school didn't really prepare her for all that

but in some ways, it did

just not exactly like

what we had said.

---

i was once a kate, and i hope i educate.

---

kate said

"at the end of the day

all teachers look for

are mistakes"

i was about to defend my profession

i was about to defend myself

and then i realised

that she was somewhat right.

because in our dualistic system of

black and white

loose or tight

wrong and right

we have lost sight

of kids like kate

they are those

who are somewhere

in the middle of the line

in the middle of the graph

in the middle of the spectrum

in the middle of nowhere

and

we stuff them into boxes

expecting them to breathe

and then we wonder

why they choke when we ask them to speak;

we force them to answer

according to the scheme

not what they had discovered

because it's more than what the examiner wanted.

we want them to manage 

by themselves,

and we sweep their problems 

under the carpet like silly specks useless dust

we give them rules to follow

which we ourselves

don't heed or understand

and then say 'tut tut' when they are confused

we tell them to listen listen listen

and then we talk talk talk talk talk

because only adults

can have opinions, right?

and then we complain

that kids like kate

become notorious

or zombies.

but

when kate finishes school

i wonder if i can honestly say

"adieu, kate!"

as she faces the world beyond the school gate

because she will come to realise

that school didn't really prepare her for all that

but in some ways, it did

just not exactly according to

what we had said.

---

i was once a kate

and i hope i educate.

33: The Neverending bundles of Joy

Once, I saw a colourful curse
gorgeously graffitied
on an otherwise unflattering floor.
The menacing message read:

"May you enjoy marking
our assessments
as much as we enjoyed
answering them".

Try dodging that, fellow teachers!

Happy Exam Season.

32: marking blues

the test papers
in my bag
are only half-done;
but i
really
really
don't feel like
marking right now.

lord help me.

23: Sober

when i was 5,
i wanted to be an artist:
i wanted to make beautiful things and figure out
the best way to color a shape
without going beyond the line.

when i was 10,
i wanted to be an astronomer:
i wanted to gaze at the stars in the sky and figure out
exactly
which constellations each of them belong to.

when i was 15,
i wanted to be an engineer:
i wanted to invent awesome things and figure out
how to fix anything
and everything.

when i was 20,
i wanted to be a teacher:
i wanted to inspire people to be better and figure out
ways to capture the attention
of students with different personalities, interests and learning abilities.

but now that i'm this close to being what i wanted to be,
i've learnt that i'm not supposed to
'figure things out'.

all i needed to do is simply say:

"saya yang menurut perintah".


11.54pm