40: Falling

you entreat me to dance,
and as affections, lust and romance
start to fill the air; right before that state of trance,

i sober up.

wait.
think.

do you truly like me, or
just the idea of not being lonely?

39: convoluted

CONVOLUTED
are your words,
reasons,
excuses,
thoughts,
promises,
emotions,
flirtations,
and your whole
past, present and future.

i know you are well aware of
(and that you are sadistically watching)
me being overwhelmed by all this,

but come closer; there's something for you i need to whisper:

the harder i try
to figure you out,
the harder it is for me
to believe what comes out of your mouth.

so goodbye.

38: fragile

hearts are such fragile things.

once broken, they're not easy to fix.
once shattered, they're not easy to pick.

sure, you can try to
glue the pieces back together,
tape the cracks to mend them better,
stitch the chunks to make them gather;
and if you succeed,
you should end up with a
(swollen, glued, taped and stitched up) heart
which
if you look closely,
real closely,
will still beat
albeit ever so slowly.

of course, that's if you can look past
the brown-stained glue, tape and stitches and
the crimson droplets slowly oozing out
of the gaps between them.

hearts are such fragile things, after all.
so won't you handle them with care?

37: bloody vengeance

let's just move on and pretend
that everything that happened didn't happen,
because i do not fully understand
(and you can't possibly comprehend)
why these old scars have reopened,
but they hurt like fucking vengeance.

36: eid in my family

we don't have eid the way other families do

we don't wear matching colors
we don't balik kampung at our parents' hometowns
we don't sing (or even know) that many raya songs
we don't make our own lemang, ketupat or kuih raya
we don't even play bunga api or mercun anymore.

but
we do have okay clothes for eid
we do look forward to an un-busy KL
we do love catching up with relatives and friends
we do make our own rendangs (and order everything else)
we do still clear up the 'abodes' of those who are no longer with us.

yeah, we don't have eid the way other families do.
but it's okay. we're okay.

35: eid is.

of themed new clothes in treasured family pics,
of toothy cackles against sparkles and fired sticks;

of cash in packets and kissing elderly's hands,
of devouring delicious foods and asking for amends;

of wanting peace and happiness for people the world around,
all of this and infinitely more! but not quite for everyone, i found.

- 21/8/12 4.27pm

34: Wasting away

i'm wasting my time
i'm wasting my youth
i'm wasting my sanity
i'm wasting my energy
i'm wasting my strength
i'm wasting my life away

and i'm well aware of all this
but i just don't know how to

STOP

33: The Neverending bundles of Joy

Once, I saw a colourful curse
gorgeously graffitied
on an otherwise unflattering floor.
The menacing message read:

"May you enjoy marking
our assessments
as much as we enjoyed
answering them".

Try dodging that, fellow teachers!

Happy Exam Season.

32: marking blues

the test papers
in my bag
are only half-done;
but i
really
really
don't feel like
marking right now.

lord help me.

31: Still beats

my Heart is so filled
by thoughts of you that i fear
it would Burst: be still!

---

for a certain teacher i kinda had a crush on during camp.