100: breaking news

how do you
brake
the news
to a child
that their only parent
is gone
?
here's one way
:
letting her
estranged villagefolk
who came to take her home
break
the news
at the schoolgate instead
.
because nobody prepared you to face
her
breaking voice
,
her
breaking down
,
as she tries to remain standing
in spite of her wobbly knees
;
as she struggles afloat though
her vision is drowning in tears
;
bothered breathing
,
sobbing and suffocating
;
and you watch
jaw dropped
hands shaking
mind numbed
because nothing prepared you for this
.
holding this
trembling soul
shaken and stirred
by the twists of fate
of having lost
her sole supporter
?
trying to
unbreak
herself
in her state of mind
of worrying about every single thing
of unpredictable uncertainties
---
then you start to realise
that she is no more prepared
than you are
.
nothing
prepared
me
for this
.
how do i
break
the news
to a child
that their only parent
is gone
?

---

written: 13/4/13
last edited: 3/12/13

99: they say it gets easier

as my hands
already overbr
imming
with half-
baked promises
and swOllen from the burden of
inc_mpl_t_ tasks
are faced with
LifteD
brows;
it gets easier, they say
as they
generously offer
MORE MORE MORE
of everything
without even *batting* an eyelash,
with a heapful of
words of enc(our)agement
like
l e t u s f i l l y o u i n
there's no better way to learn;
it gets easier, they say
but
There seems to be vicious creatures
TERRORIsing them in their homes
which are often called commITments,
but oh
"nothing for you to worry about,
pup
pet,
because commITments only
b
u
g
people who have
something called
LIFE

they say it gets easier,
"don't worry --
later
you can do the same to your juniors."

-
written: april '13

last edited: 021313

98: salty

yes, my affinity
towards an infinity
of salty droplets
is now towering over me,
beckoning to drown me.

the sea of love, after all,
is overflowing with tears.

but barely staying afloat as it is,
and with nowhere to go,
my eyes look up to the skies
as tears stream down my face
out of fear
out of desperation.

irrational, but unsurprising;
no choice but to accept being in a whirlpool of pain and anger
struggling against the current of deceit and confusion
all in the guise of life, normalcy and survival...

and as the raging body
of my tsunami of emotions start to fall;
as i stare at the dark and icy water waiting to engulf me,
i fear for my life
as i clutch my heart.

"where do i go from here?"

97: 4

4.1

 there's just
Something
about walking
back home
at four
in the morn.

 it’s the perfect time of day
for fear, for wonder, and
for everything in between;

 it’s the perfect time of night;
to find myself in my dreams, and
to lose myself in my train of thoughts.

 but i'm afraid.
 i might get lost
in the shadows of the night
in the blackness of my mind

 yet
i must walk on

 and
i close my eyes
and
i open my heart
and
i breathe
it all in.

 it is four.

 Light will come
Darkness will cease.

 i must walk on.


4.2

 there's just
Something
about walking
back home
at four
in the morn,

 accompanied by
His drizzles
pitpattering above my head
and drainwater
rushing beneath my feet
and crickets
chirping its wings, somewhere
and lonefrogs
longing and hoping, everywhere.

 and
i close my eyes
and
i open my heart
and
i breathe
it all in.

 this is
Bliss.

 this,
i will miss.

96: Inhabitation Inhibition

Breathein

Breatheout

Pause

i wish i could understand this.

Pause

Breathein

i wish i could tell you off for distracting my thoughts
simply by existing
so you'd know how annoying it is
to be forced to think of someone for no reason at all and

i wish i could know what would happen if i bugged you
every second, minute, hour, day that i think of you
but i don't want you to think of me
wanting you to think of me thinking about you and

i wish i could sleep this off
because me being so preoccupied by you
must be pretty creepy and you should
already know by now i'm weird and this should be expected and

i wish i could figure out
why i can't stop thinking about you
and good lord this whole overthinking
is getting quite ridiculous so

could you please stop invading my mind and
terrorising my brain cells and neurons and senses and
making me lose my focus while doing the most random things?

Breatheout

maybe if i wrote this down this will make more sense

maybe if i saw it in words it'll be easier to clear my head
maybe if i mouthed out my words the feelings would stop when i do

Breathein

Scribble.

I don't understand this.

I can't understand this.

I can't understand this.

you're not welcome here.

95: heart-headed (under recojstruction)

Head to Heart --
Head to Heart
Do you copy?

Head to Heart,
It appears you have somehow found yourself
stuck on another body in space

Head to heart,
It's new territory, but we've been here before
foreign,
but familiar.

Head to heart,
Experience should remind you to
Be careful of
Risky rapids, ferocious forests
Suffocating sandstorms, among other forces of naturr
Beyond your control
-- Over

Head to heart
Do you copy?
Please respond, over

Head to heart
I repeat, tread with caution
You've done this before
You should know this, over

Head to heart
We we we-- we're los- losing you
Please-- tell us your cor- ore- coordinates
You're slowly going off radar
Turn around,
This is an order!
Over

Heart to head

I can can't can't

I'm st st stuck

I can't can't st steer stee any anym anymo anymore---

--Head to heart! Head to heart!
You you c- can do this!
Please copy!
Pl-- ease c-op

Over

94: Time capsule

she stares back at me,
dismayed,
disappointed.

i fidget.

she calls out to me.

i try to ignore
i try to block her out -- 

Look at me.

i stay silent

Look at me while I'm fucking talking to you.

i stop.

Turn. Around. Now.

i look away

No, you may not look elsewhere -- look at me. 

i start to stand.

No, you may not leave -- sit down.

i open my mouth

No, you may not reply -- be quiet and just listen, dammit.

i stare

For once, listen to yourself.

i shut down.

Just what the hell do you think you're doing 
Putting yourself on display 
With your adoring eyes
And your silly sighs
And your swollen heart 
On your bloodstained sleeves?

i close my eyes

As if you'd learnt 
Absolutely nothing 
From the past

i stop.
"nothing."

Nothing.

the word echoes in my mind
as she tells me again and again and again
like a broken record

All the world is a stage
and people are mere actors
with convoluted intentions 
and they don't always act their parts
the way you hope they would
and they don't always say their lines
the way they probably should

so okay,
i'll listen once again
to the image staring right back at me
one more time.

because
at the end of the day
with or without my reflection
i am
Nothing

93: Down With Love!

She said

he's over one hour late
stuff about her ex
stuff about conflicts between generations
stuff about middle children
stuff about school
stuff about exes bring baggage
stuff about her family
stuff about why she's afraid of the dark
stuff to not make her look like an idiot

(to no avail)

Naked doesn't even begin to explain
how she felt -- but
She should've known better
For having always been transparent --
She should've known better
For they say people living in glass houses
should mind what they do --

(but alas)

She uses that excuse again --
that she keeps forgetting
to keep being rational
to keep acting professional
to keep doing what's right
to keep avoiding what's wrong
to keep reminding herself

(again and again and again) --

Crushes will most likely
crush her.

92: Down With Love?

He said

We live on different planes of reality
I'm kidnapping you
I'm glad you're shorter than me
You might be surprised by how many exes I have
Here's a toy I bought at RantAi
I don't really like taller women
At least I'm not in debt
Have a look at this
I go everywhere for my girlfriends
I want to be like sustainable man
I don't want to worry about getting married
Pretty girls are usually crazy -- it usually takes 2 months for them to show their craziness

And I listen
And I wonder
and I smile
And I frown
And I nod
quietly

And he

Leans in to suggest what to eat
Taps my arm to tell me something
Takes me to artsy places
Introduces me to his friends
Smokes discreetly
Hands me a gift
Buys me dinner
Doesn't ask why I tested whether his toy would sink or float
Walks odd because of his injury
Invites me to experience art with him

And I blush
And I grin
And I laugh
And I think
And I look
away.

But he

Doesn't care about time
Doesn't consider making a family
Doesn't plan for the future
Is haunted by his past
Is relaxed about his present
Can't do long-term
Can't stop smoking
Can't be alone

Said I was pretty

Why do you do this to me?

And I am probably lonely
And I am possibly bored
And I am slightly agitated
And I am definitely tired
of Love

91: la problématique

'problem is,

i get hooked too easily
and am too slow to let go
i somehow get blown away
and lose sight of the ground
i stand at the very edge
and continue to

Wait -- [ pause > edit > play ]

problem is:

i wish you would
pull me up
hold me down
take me

On -- [ stop > rewind > edit > play ]

the problem is

i need you
out of my head.


27/9/13 @2.11am