186: not this one

In another world, reality, dimension,-
I would not feel the need to hide
behind aliases;
semi-anonymous accounts and self-censored face scribbles would be as archaic and alien as
my views being valued,
my traumas being validated,
and my feelings being justified.

In another universe,
I am accepted as I am.

In another lifetime,
I matter.

2023-01-30
2019-10-25

185: drowning

i keep getting tangled in deadlines, and then find myself lost in mazes of miswired neurons

i keep trying to unfeel the weight of the world, and then count all the ways i am a burden

i keep trying to stay afloat,
but this heart is too heavy

i don't have time
for this 

20220204 01:23

🔥182: panic at the tesco

dissociating while doing groceries in a time of a pandemic is a whole different ballgame; a list in my shaking hand is no match for a brain that refuses to consistently process letters and numbers, so i walk in circles around aisles, lost among frozen foods and leafy veg i cannot recognise whatmore choose, my mind preoccupied with why we do things like cook or eat or shower or work or plan or dream when at the end of the day we're all sentenced to die with different expiration dates.

as i force myself to have faith that all this isn't just capitalistic chaos,

i am reminded that everything happens for a reason

god knows best, they say

so i stay

looking at my reflection wondering

whose eyes i am staring into.

10 april 2020