50: hard to heart talk

the words
stuttering out
of this vessel containing every cell of my being
are jumbled, just like
how they are in my head
(scrambled),
as i absentmindedly twirl my fingers
around the tassels of my scarf,
my subconscious obviously trying to untangle
the knots
in my covered hair
and in my guarded heart.

these thoughts
have caused me to be
in shambles. i feel enshackled, so i must
apologise in advance if i bore you to death -- i might just
ramble on about all these things
that i was too afraid to say before;
i need to be cautious,
i remind myself:
the things i say can never ever be unsaid.
but to unfeel the things i have felt
is just as hard to stomach.

and so i have decided
that i have no other choice
but to mouth out what has ruffled my feathers
(not just off-late) --
so that you would understand me better.

do you, now?
or will i forever misunderstand
and forever be misunderstood?

49: monu_ental

the only spaces
we can fill in our lives are
breaks and intervals

1/11/12 3.23am

48: reaching mars

finalised:

in this vast space of lights and blackholes galore
i'm an estranged loner, nothing more than a bore
because to call me a venus just doesn't quite cut it,
i'm more a pluto, of quite a different composite:

i'm foreign, icy and physically out of reach,
a pretty unspectacular rock, but i do beseech
you to walk in my shoes, see things where i stand;
although i know it's not easy to comprehend
as you're much closer to our point of energy
while i'm just out here searching for synergy
of prospective beings, and the keyword is hoping --
of prospective beings (in the end i'm just hoping
-- most of the time it's my only way of coping).

yet even if i'm out here, all distant and far
doesn't mean i'm blind, i can still see the star,
like a fiery top twirling in an ebony sea
of obscure orbits -- we're just Not meant to be.

last updated: 2016-02-01 8.58pm
last updated: 13/11/12 12.33am

-----
somehow being a venus just doesn't quite cut it,
i'm more a pluto, of quite a different composite.

i'm foreign, icy and physically out of reach,
a pretty unspectacular rock, but i do beseech
you to walk in my shoes, see things from where i stand;
although i know it's not easy to comprehend
as you're much closer to our flaming source of energy
while i'm just hanging around here hoping for synergy
of the future generation (and the keyword is hoping --
honestly, most of the time it's my only way of coping)
but in this dimension with lights and blackholes galore,
i am but an estranged loner, nothing but a bore.

but even if i'm out here, all distant and far
doesn't mean i'm blind, i can still see the star,
spinning like a fiery top without falling to one side,
making our orbits eternal... we will never collide.

i admit, i'm still clueless of where this will all lead
but what i know for sure is that all dwarfs still bleed.




29/10/12 6.59pm

===

revised?


somehow being a venus just doesn't quite cut it,
i'm more a pluto, of quite a different composite.

i'm foreign, icy and physically out of reach,
pretty much an unspectacular rock, but i do beseech
you to try seeing things from where i stand;
although i know it's not easy to comprehend
as you're closer to our flaming source of energy
while i'm just hanging around here hoping for synergy
of the future generation (and the keyword is hoping --
honestly, most of the time it's my only way of coping)
but in this space, with lights and blackholes galore,
an estranged object as i couldn't be more of a bore.


i admit, i'm still clueless of where this will all lead
but what i know for sure is that all dwarfs still bleed.


but even if i'm out here, all distant and far
doesn't mean i'm blind, i can still see the star,

glaring bright in the centre of our space,
but will this be my resting place?


to top it off, our sun spins on, not falling to one side,
making our orbits eternal... we will never collide.

29/10/12 6.59pm

47: eargasm

driving mecrazy,
i'mslippin under;

ilove whatyou do

don'tyou know that
you'retoxic?

27/10/12 10.59pm

46: what i want is what i am

i'm not cool or fun
or quirky or eccentric;
but i'll make you smile.

27/10/12 9pm

45: but we be rollin

i do want to do so many things
with, for, to, and because of
you;
but, as it were,
we keep reminding each other
(we keep reminding ourselves?)
'we are untied,
we need to be patient,
we have to hold back'.

but is that truly the reason
for this rollercoaster of emotions?

is it our circumstances that's keeping us apart,
or our doubts and scars deep inside our hearts?


27/10/12 12pm

44: en garde

right when i thought i
could cruise control, you came in
and caught me offguard


26/10/12 3.04am

43; We are all experiments

Eureka!
I now have the solvent I've been waiting for,
the last element to support my hypothesis;
this mysterious concoction has now been dissolved!

Finally
I have found the key compound
which crystalises the fact that
you think of me as
Something
who can withstand your methods
who can be moulded as you wish
who will willingly trickle or ooze or solidify or crack or vaporise
as you determine the variables and set the standards,
as you manipulate the conditions,
as you dictate the process.

It's all crystal clear now, because
the pH of what you said is too low, and
the pH of what you mean is too high.

Since my own test has been proven positive, let's move on to yours:
I have identified a few assumptions of yours that need to be corrected.
(Although I am a mixture of things)
I am not your solution.
(Although I can be filled with substances)
I am not an apparatus.
(Although I do like to make people feel fulfilled)
I don't appreciate being part of a disposable experiment kit.

Objectively,
from one scientist to another:
better luck next time.


19/10/12 9am

"it doesn't matter", he says, "if we don't get to talk to each other that often".
since we are both busy.

42: damaged

why?

why are you in such a state?
why are you in so much pain?
why are you so... damaged?

what have you done to yourself?
what has society done to make you this way?
what have we all done to cause us to be like this?

i'm really curious to know why you are the way you are
and i'm also scared to know what you might answer.

41: oh no

"oh no --
i think you're mistaken, sir.
i think you've got the wrong person;
i know i'm not who you think i am,
i know i'm not who you're looking for."

i want to say all this and
i want to say it nicely, but
i don't know when and
i don't know how to make this less awkward.

oh, no --
i am not a heartbreaker,
i am just a tragic romantic.