134: honor+y

my name is izzaty,
and i have a thing for names.

i've been called many names in my life:
" 'izati" by my tok cah, who insisted on the arabic pronunciation;
"ty" by my own parents, probably because it also rhymes with 'naughty';
"izzy" or "zaki" by white friends who can't be bothered with my proper name;
"zaty", which, to be honest, is a name i only prefer to be called if i like or respect you;
and of course, "izzaty", the second birth name i've been given, which i only use/see in formal settings.

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my name is izzaty
and i've been told that it's a good name because the root form, "izzat", means 'noble',
i.e. doing the right thing, not the royalty kind;

today i learnt that
"izzat" actually means honor
i.e. 'it's your duty to make sure you don't ruin your and your family and community's reputation' kind

today i learnt that
"izzat" is the cause
of family feuds
raging friendzonees, rape revenges
and testosterone-fueled trigger-happy armies
all of whom simply can't take "live and let live" for an answer.

today i learnt that
it's hard to stomach the fact that i've been a prey of being my own living prayer,
to be the personification of dignity
whatever that may mean
and to be responsible for the brutal consequences if i don't
however that may be.

they say names are a prayer
and now the invisible burdens on my shoulders have shown its form.

they say names are a prayer
and now i thank God that of all the decisions my parents have made
my name has a "y" at the end of it.