thick red streams gushing
from the lifepump in my hand
but you can't see it
via twitter
117: cur(se)few
TW
-- why ask for trouble?
but when i have to,
every gaze from a passerby
every puff of smoke from somewhere close by
every catcall
every chuckle
every shadow
every footstep
every flickering light
every creaking sound
every freaking thing
is amplified like i'm walking through a dark, icy cave.
the temperature doesn't drop,
but i subconsciously wrap myself
with my arms and with my prayers
as i try to make sure i haven't lost my voice
-- in case i had to scream
and i glance down to see that no shoelace is untied
-- in case i had to run
and with a cellphone in one hand
and whatever i could get in the other,
i pick up pace at every corner
i lock the door as soon as i'm inside,
and with blood raging through my veins in anger
and my heart pounding so hard out of fear
it pains me to realise
why i don't go out past midnight,
and why
for those who don't have a choice but to endure this
every. single. damn. day,
they're told
that they're asking for it.
2017
---
i wouldn't be stupid enough to be out past midnight by myself
-- why ask for trouble?
but when i have to,
every gaze from a passerby
every puff of smoke from somewhere close by
every catcall
every chuckle
every shadow
every footstep
every flickering light
every creaking sound
every freaking thing
is amplified like i'm walking through a dark, icy cave.
the temperature doesn't drop,
but i subconsciously wrap myself
with my arms and with my prayers
as i try to make sure i haven't lost my voice
-- in case i had to scream
and i glance down to see no shoelace is untied
-- in case i had to run
and with a cellphone in one hand
and something lethal in the other,
i pick up pace at every corner
i lock the door as soon as i'm inside,
and with blood raging through my veins out of anger
and my heart pounding so hard out of fear
it pains me to realise
why i don't go out past midnight,
and why
for those who don't have a choice but to endure this
every. single. damn. day,
society tells them
that they're asking for it.
---
- Izzaty | #YesAllWomen | 29/5/2014 | 11.30am
💜💜💜115: uncyclereduceabuse
The thing about abusive relationships is this:
you don't always end up with scars.
At least, not ones where you are left
beatenupbloody
brokenboned
blackandblue.
It started off so well --
calltxtwhatsappskype
timeschedulesdistance
marriagedreamshomes;
He said I was special.
But then special
turned salient.
---
The thing about abusive relationships is this:
You don't always end up with scars.
Not beatenupbloody blackandblue brokenbones ones, at least.
For me, it was a classic case of, "I thought only other people go through this."
simply because
"I should have been smarter than to let it happen to myself'"
Now, I'm not sure if it's necessarily about smartness.
I lapped it all up.
I guess in retrospect
I should've known better.
But it started off so well --
we did the whole calltxtwhatsappskype
went out some despite timeschedulesdistance
we even had talks of marriagedreamshomes;
The grim atmosphere.
And so my feelings, thoughts, and actions started to be (sub)consciously dictated by
how he would feel ifs,
The lashback was painful
The pleas were guilttripping
The callsmessages had to be blocked
but I managed to escape what has been caging me.
And I felt free.
you don't always end up with scars.
At least, not ones where you are left
beatenupbloody
brokenboned
blackandblue.
He had a way with words.
He was pleasant,
thoughtful,
sweet.
He was pleasant,
thoughtful,
sweet.
He said I was special.
It started off so well --
calltxtwhatsappskype
timeschedulesdistance
marriagedreamshomes;
He said I was special.
But then special
turned salient.
The grim atmosphere.
What used to make my heart skip a beat
Made me forget how to breathe;
What used to give me butterflies
Gave me sweaty palms and goosebumps.
"If I just did a better job at making him happy, he would be nice again"
The mission to please became an obsession.
I wish everyone else in the same situation has the chanceabilityprivillege
to do the same.
The undercurrents.
The addictions.
The dark side.
His past.
His past.
The present.
Our future.
Our future.
What used to make my heart skip a beat
Made me forget how to breathe;
What used to give me butterflies
Gave me sweaty palms and goosebumps.
"If I just did a better job at making him happy, he would be nice again"
The mission to please became an obsession.
And I turned into an addict in denial
just like him.
At one point, I jokeconsoleremind myself,
"Hey, it could be worse.
At least he doesn't hit you."
This made me sober.
I've heard the stories,
I've talked to the women,
I've seen the horrors.
I had to leave.
And I felt free.
At one point, I jokeconsoleremind myself,
"Hey, it could be worse.
At least he doesn't hit you."
This made me sober.
I've heard the stories,
I've talked to the women,
I've seen the horrors.
I had to leave.
And I felt free.
I wish everyone else in the same situation has the chanceabilityprivillege
to do the same.
---
The thing about abusive relationships is this:
You don't always end up with scars.
Not beatenupbloody blackandblue brokenbones ones, at least.
For me, it was a classic case of, "I thought only other people go through this."
simply because
"I should have been smarter than to let it happen to myself'"
Now, I'm not sure if it's necessarily about smartness.
Maybe it's smartness intertwined with or messed up when emotions come into the equation.
Because looking back, it wasn't really obvious when I started feeling trapped.
He had a way with words.
He was pleasant, thoughtful, sweet.
He had a way with words.
He was pleasant, thoughtful, sweet.
He let me know how much he needed me.
He said I was different.
I'm special.
I lapped it all up.
I guess in retrospect
I should've known better.
But it started off so well --
we did the whole calltxtwhatsappskype
went out some despite timeschedulesdistance
we even had talks of marriagedreamshomes;
Things were pretty good
at first.
It was not long
before other things crept in.
The slow, but sure, 180 turn.
at first.
It was not long
before other things crept in.
The slow, but sure, 180 turn.
The grim atmosphere.
The undercurrents.
The addictions.
The dark side.
Then, more things became salient.
His past.
Then, more things became salient.
His past.
The present.
Our future.
Our future.
But i had to be kindacceptingunderstanding, i kept telling myself.
And so i kept readjusting my bearings to where he was. To what he was.
It took me a while to realise what this actually meant:
And so i kept readjusting my bearings to where he was. To what he was.
It took me a while to realise what this actually meant:
that I was adapting myself to him.
I can't be the way I am.
I can't be the way I am.
Because I'm not good enough.
But I still had to make him happy.
By hook or by crook, even if it meant I had to be someone else.
By hook or by crook, even if it meant I had to be someone else.
And so my feelings, thoughts, and actions started to be (sub)consciously dictated by
how he would feel ifs,
what he would do ifs,
what he would say ifs...
And the little things he did that used to give me butterflies started to give me goosebumps...
And the lively calls slowly became more and more one-sided...
And the jokes turned into accusations or insults.
But he wasn't always like this.
He wasn't.
Honest.
And this was the fuel that kept me going.
Because I'm different from all the other girls who left him, you see.
I'm special.
And there's always that voice at the back of my head:
"If I just did a better job at making him happy, he would be nice again"
The mission to please became an obsession.
And the little things he did that used to give me butterflies started to give me goosebumps...
And the lively calls slowly became more and more one-sided...
And the jokes turned into accusations or insults.
But he wasn't always like this.
He wasn't.
Honest.
And this was the fuel that kept me going.
Because I'm different from all the other girls who left him, you see.
I'm special.
And there's always that voice at the back of my head:
"If I just did a better job at making him happy, he would be nice again"
The mission to please became an obsession.
I didn't realise that it was an impossible one.
And so I turned into an addict in denial
And so I turned into an addict in denial
just like him.
It was only when I began to jokeconsoleremind myself,
"Hey, it could be worse.
At least he doesn't hit you."
... that I realised the gravity of this situation.
I've heard the stories,
I've talked to the women,
I've seen the horrors.
I had to leave.
It wasn't easy.
It was only when I began to jokeconsoleremind myself,
"Hey, it could be worse.
At least he doesn't hit you."
... that I realised the gravity of this situation.
I've heard the stories,
I've talked to the women,
I've seen the horrors.
I had to leave.
It wasn't easy.
The lashback was painful
The pleas were guilttripping
The callsmessages had to be blocked
but I managed to escape what has been caging me.
And I felt free.
I wish everyone else in the same situation has the chanceabilityprivillege
to do the same.
to do the same.
114: word of the day
listen up, class!
the word of the day
is
disappointment.
but no,
this is not something i'll teach you --
though it is something you will eventually learn --
because, after all,
we are but hopes and dreams
manifested
in otherwise lifeless vessels with muscles and
yes,
this is something i'll teach you:
that wants lead to confusion
from unpredicted actions
and expectations leads to reactions
that may be sanctions
or a fraction of deflection
from tension
you get an A
in this class
if you get what i say
you get a huh
in your head
if you get what i mean
listen up, class!
the word of the day
is
disappointment.
but no,
this is not something for you to learn --
though it is something you will, eventually --
because, after all,
all we are are hopes and dreams
manifested
in otherwise lifeless bodies
with vessels and muscles and .
no,
this is something i have learnt:
that wants lead to confusion
and expectations leads to reactions
from unexpected actions
that may be sanctions
or a fraction
of tension
you get an A
in this class
if you get what i say
you get a huh
in your head
if you get what i mean
the word of the day
is
disappointment.
but no,
this is not something i'll teach you --
though it is something you will eventually learn --
because, after all,
we are but hopes and dreams
manifested
in otherwise lifeless vessels with muscles and
yes,
this is something i'll teach you:
that wants lead to confusion
from unpredicted actions
and expectations leads to reactions
that may be sanctions
or a fraction of deflection
from tension
you get an A
in this class
if you get what i say
you get a huh
in your head
if you get what i mean
---
the word of the day
is
disappointment.
but no,
this is not something for you to learn --
though it is something you will, eventually --
because, after all,
all we are are hopes and dreams
manifested
in otherwise lifeless bodies
with vessels and muscles and .
no,
this is something i have learnt:
that wants lead to confusion
and expectations leads to reactions
from unexpected actions
that may be sanctions
or a fraction
of tension
you get an A
in this class
if you get what i say
you get a huh
in your head
if you get what i mean
113: scald
of numbers one to ten:
of indifference and going crazy
of in denial and feeling guilty,
on the scale
of all the things through which i've been living to everything i'm capable of being,
of the truths i've been believing to what i'm trying to be achieving,
on the scale
of greatness and sanity
of good health and charity
of godliness and clarity,
i think i finally understand
where i stand.
because on the scale
of underwhelming limits and limiting overgeneralisation,
of forms zero to infinity,
of anorexic to obesity,
i worry
to a senseless degree
of what i am
on scalea
of indifference and going crazy
of in denial and feeling guilty,
on the scale
of all the things through which i've been living to everything i'm capable of being,
of the truths i've been believing to what i'm trying to be achieving,
on the scale
of greatness and sanity
of good health and charity
of godliness and clarity,
i think i finally understand
where i stand.
because on the scale
of underwhelming limits and limiting overgeneralisation,
of forms zero to infinity,
of anorexic to obesity,
i worry
to a senseless degree
of what i am
on scalea
112: underpressure
Pour
Stir
Taste
Sprinkle
Stir
Taste
Stop
Press
Breathe
It'll get better
Control
Close
Steam Spill Open Release Stop Stir Sprinkle Taste Pour Sprinkle Stir Close
Brew Spill Open Spill Stop Taste Brew Boil Spill Breathe Close
Brew Boil Spill Sigh Open Stir Close
Open Spill Taste Close
Open Taste Press
Stop
Stop
Stop
It doesn't
Close
Steam Spill Open Release Stop Stir Sprinkle Taste Pour Sprinkle Stir Close
Brew Spill Open Spill Stop Taste Brew Boil Spill Breathe Close
Brew Boil Spill Sigh Open Stir Close
Open Spill Taste Close
Open Taste Press
Stop
Stop
Stop
It doesn't
Close
111: time seals all wounds
i cut myself again today
but,
y'know,
it wasn't on purpose.
yes, i suppose did cut myself again today and
no, i did not do it on purpose -- that's preposterous!
i think it must've been
the fumbling with
the sharp knife
-- too big
my soapy hands
-- too clumsy
the soft fruit
-- too slippery
my scattered mind
-- too absent.
i guess you could say it was just
"an accident waiting to happen"
as i've been informed time and time again;
almost inevitable
far from unpredictable
considering
my track record
of kissing away wounds from scars
or concealing scars from wounds
(it's always a bit of a
blur/stretch/wonder
which comes first)
but really, it's nothing to shout about.
because even though it stings
the bleeding will stop.
it'll heal.
it will.
i always does.
at least on the outside.
so,
y'know,
relax.
but,
y'know,
it wasn't on purpose.
i think it must've been
the fumbling with
the sharp knife
-- too big
my soapy hands
-- too clumsy
the soft fruit
-- too slippery
my scattered mind
-- too absent.
i guess you could say it was just
"an accident waiting to happen"
as i've been informed time and time again;
almost inevitable
far from unpredictable
considering
my track record
of kissing away wounds from scars
or concealing scars from wounds
(it's always a bit of a
blur/stretch/wonder
which comes first)
but really, it's nothing to shout about.
because even though it stings
the bleeding will stop.
it'll heal.
it will.
i always does.
at least on the outside.
so,
y'know,
relax.
110: appallogetic
all ways
always
i tie together
assumptions
interrogations
disappointments
with an infinite string of
vincible but not invisible apology,
for
forever
for ever
being at the edge
of my
tongue
memory
potential
be-
cause
ijustdon'tmeantobeso
d i s t r a c t e d
---
scrapped:
---
scrapped:
109: shiftcommandcontrol
type type type type type type type [enter]
{wait}{read}
type type type type type type type type [enter]
{wait}{read}{laugh}
type type type type type [enter]
type typo[backspace]e type [enter]
{read}{laugh}
type type type [enter]
type
{pause}
{wait}{read}{frown}
type [shifthome]
type [shifthome]
type type [shifthome]
{pause}
{think}
type
{pause}
{scroll}{read}
{scroll}
type type [ctrlsshiftleftbackspace] [enter]
{wait}
type [shifthome] typo [enter]
*type [enter]
{read}
type type [ctrlsshiftleftbackspace] [enter]
{wait}{think}
{read}
{pause}
type [shifthome]
{wait}{think}
type [shifthome]
{think}
{wait}
typo
{stop}
[altf4]
{wait}{read}
type type type type type type type type [enter]
{wait}{read}{laugh}
type type type type type [enter]
type typo[backspace]e type [enter]
{read}{laugh}
type type type [enter]
type
{pause}
{wait}{read}{frown}
type [shifthome]
type [shifthome]
type type [shifthome]
{pause}
{think}
type
{pause}
{scroll}{read}
{scroll}
type type [ctrlsshiftleftbackspace] [enter]
{wait}
type [shifthome] typo [enter]
*type [enter]
{read}
type type [ctrlsshiftleftbackspace] [enter]
{wait}{think}
{read}
{pause}
type [shifthome]
{wait}{think}
type [shifthome]
{think}
{wait}
typo
{stop}
[altf4]
108: old poem, revisited
if i had known
what i know today
about what i have to do
day to day
i might have told myself
to move along, stay away;
this is going to be much harder
than what they say.
because once you're in,
you can't sway --
you don't have a choice
but to go all the way;
just hit the ground running
no shortcuts, come what may,
keep on tumbling
more work than play.
but c'est la vie --
now i can only pray
that i do this well,
and not just for the pay
be a ladder, rope or boat
to save those at bay,
or a beacon of hope
for those who might stray.
but if this is my calling
would i then stay?
i guess i won't know
but i hope i'll be okay
and still fulfill my purpose
as a vessel made of clay.
a year has gone by
so now i can safely say
i'm glad i live in technicolor
rather than infinite shades of gray,
anyone can do better
and learn from yesterday
life's what you make it --
you can change your finale.
written 1/3/13
last edited 4/3/14
what i know today
about what i have to do
day to day
i might have told myself
to move along, stay away;
this is going to be much harder
than what they say.
because once you're in,
you can't sway --
you don't have a choice
but to go all the way;
just hit the ground running
no shortcuts, come what may,
keep on tumbling
more work than play.
but c'est la vie --
now i can only pray
that i do this well,
and not just for the pay
be a ladder, rope or boat
to save those at bay,
or a beacon of hope
for those who might stray.
but if this is my calling
would i then stay?
i guess i won't know
but i hope i'll be okay
and still fulfill my purpose
as a vessel made of clay.
a year has gone by
so now i can safely say
i'm glad i live in technicolor
rather than infinite shades of gray,
anyone can do better
and learn from yesterday
life's what you make it --
you can change your finale.
written 1/3/13
last edited 4/3/14
107: things
feeling
my breath
filling up my lungs
as my chest
flares uncontrollably
and hot liquid
floods my eyes
over
this
or
that
or
thinking
of nothing;
of everything?
or maybe
of something
in between
or beyond --
perhaps
there's no
point
perhaps
there's nothing
in this / in return / in the end.
perhaps
i
am
not a thing.
perhaps
i
am
nothing.
my breath
filling up my lungs
as my chest
flares uncontrollably
and hot liquid
floods my eyes
over
this
or
that
or
thinking
of nothing;
of everything?
or maybe
of something
in between
or beyond --
perhaps
there's no
point
perhaps
there's nothing
in this / in return / in the end.
i
am
not a thing.
perhaps
i
am
nothing.
106: placebo
so i lay here
waiting
to fill in
where
voids need filling
words need breathing
memories need replacing.
i'm here.
to fill in
where
happiness once thrived
hearts once lived
love once grew.
i'm here;
no strings attached.
no prescription.
no charge.
nothing
to offer
but me.
just me.
but i'm here.
you might not want me
i might not need you
we might not like this
but i'm still here.
because
to go forward
seems too painful
and
to step back
seems too cowardly
so i lay here,
waiting.
and if you do choose
to pick me up,
take me straight
down, oneshot
or swallow me
or chew me
or if you can't
carefully,
carefully,
place me back
where you took me
-- careful.
i might expire
if you don't act quick
i might be toxic
if you hold on to your pain
for too long
this could turn out well
this could be your last chance
it's your call.
waiting
to fill in
where
voids need filling
words need breathing
memories need replacing.
i'm here.
to fill in
where
happiness once thrived
hearts once lived
love once grew.
i'm here;
no strings attached.
no prescription.
no charge.
nothing
to offer
but me.
just me.
but i'm here.
you might not want me
i might not need you
we might not like this
but i'm still here.
because
to go forward
seems too painful
and
to step back
seems too cowardly
so i lay here,
waiting.
and if you do choose
to pick me up,
take me straight
down, oneshot
or swallow me
or chew me
or if you can't
carefully,
carefully,
place me back
where you took me
-- careful.
i might expire
if you don't act quick
i might be toxic
if you hold on to your pain
for too long
this could turn out well
this could be your last chance
it's your call.
105: help seems to be the hardest word
the door is firm and locked tight,
the windows high and grilled shut;
if i jumped high enough to peer outside,
i can't.
i'm not sure where the key is.
i'm not sure if i can leave
or if i even should.
hey.
the windows high and grilled shut;
if i jumped high enough to peer outside,
i'd see you waving.
if i listened hard enough through the cracks,
i'd hear some sounds.
i know you're out there.
i know you're calling me.
if i listened hard enough through the cracks,
i'd hear some sounds.
i know you're out there.
i know you're calling me.
"come out"
i can't.
i'm not sure where the key is.
i'm not sure if i can leave
or if i even should.
it's too bright and noisy out there.
hey.
would you like to come inside?
---
one of those days
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